Tag Archives: angst


It seems like every time I get something fixed, three more crises show up to replace it. I just need to get back to a good, solid zero and I’ll be generally okay. Let’s take a look at the updated situation since New Year’s Day:

I Received a notice of code violation from the county regarding Nadia’s truck that was still parked in the driveway at the house. I called a tow company to have it removed. No confirmation on whether or not the vehicle was, in fact, removed.

I also received some letter from the county building inspector alluding that my house is not up to code. Great. I don’t want the damned place, the bank doesn’t want the damned place, and no investor wants it either! Unfortunately, I’m on the hook for whatever this is, but it’ll be Monday before I can find out the details.

Granny gave me the money to get my flight account squared-away (back to zero), and I got details from Sandy at dispatch on how to monitor the account myself. At least I can keep an eye on it now. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get student loans to go into the account and get some flight time going. I still haven’t passed my instrument rating yet because of this financial craphole, but Chris is helping me stay on top of the game–as long as I keep him informed. Likely, what’s going to happen is that I’m going to not take a flight class this semester and, if I can get money in, fly “on the side” and take another required class instead. Maybe physics.

The downside to my flight account being zeroed is that now my checking account is sitting around ($350). That’s a negative amount, to the uninitiated. It’s all from not keeping track of the balance until it’s too late, so I have no one to blame but me. Unfortunately, I have to find some way to pay for shipping on my Amazon orders so I can continue to receive payments. I just sold my Transportation textbook, and I could use the $120 to offset the negative balance.

I need help from the parents, but when I earnestly ask my father for help to buy books–as he said he would–I just get the same old song-and-dance. I’m not asking for them to pay off my mortgage so I can try to sell the house again, nor am I asking them to bail out my irresponsibility with my checking account. I legitimately need help with school and keeping my head above water in the meantime. I would just like to be able to ask for help without being thrown for a guilt trip–it’s hard enough to swallow my pride enough to ask in the first place.

I’m starting to become more comfortable with being single. I really take solace in the fact that I should be by myself and get my own affairs in order before I get involved with someone who may take on a shared responsibility with me. That was a main problem with my ill-fated relationship with Nadia–neither of us had our idiomatic “felgercarb” together, and it caused a major rift. It’s best to learn from that. If there is someone out there in the meantime, the best thing she can do is be my best friend and confidant until the dust settles. So far, I’m actually fairly excited about staying in Cochran more often–it gives me time to myself. It gives me time to bond with my fellow pilots and start clubs and activities at the school. I want to be proud of my school, and I want be able to remember these years fondly as a time of rebirth and new development. Of course, I have my grandiose schemes, but those will be outlined in subsequent numbers.

Collections calls are still coming in, but with less frequency. With some perseverance, they’ll go away entirely soon. I have at least another Betty-load of stuff to bring down to Cochran for a more permanent existence. I need to get a few things out of the house in Smyrna–desk, light bulbs, maybe the refrigerator. I also have things to get from Nadia–books, mainly. I also have a number of her belongings–her SNES, games, and computer parts, mainly–that need to go back to her.

On a higher note, I do have plans. I have my grandiose schemes. Some of them are starting to come to fruition, and some of them are close to being activated. My friends have been the main focus in my life for several months now, and it’s time to, in the words of Mister Mister, “take these broken wings and learn to fly again.” You may or may not know who you are, but I appreciate your help from the bottom of my heart. I feel like I’m very close to “square one” socially–reconnecting with the people who were important to me in the past, and making them a part of my present and future. I’ve all-but closed my MySpace account; I check in every now-and-again for the few people who I don’t have on Facebook. I feel like MySpace represents a certain time in my life whose chapter has closed–like the middle instalment of a trilogy that we would sooner relegate to the dustbin in favour of the other two. My friends on Facebook represent the best times of my life: early childhood, high school, full-time at KSU, and flight school. Most of my MySpace friends cross over anyway, and I can really only think of four people off-hand that haven’t made the connection, so it’s manageable to call or email them periodically.

Overall, I’m still excited. It’s still an uphill struggle, but I know I’ve got the power available. Now, I just need to make the climb.

It’s a brand new day, and the sun is high….

Survey for 2008 (Rather Depressing, Actually)

What was the best memory of 2008?
Honestly, it was probably getting back behind the stick after a 6-month hiatus

What was the worst memory of 2008?
June 8-15

If you could go back in time & change anything, would you?
Yes, the week of June 8-15. Everything that happened. Everything.

Did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend this year?
I was engaged. It ended. Had a couple of other relationships since. One in particular, and it ended.

How was your birthday?
I honestly can’t remember.

Were you depressed the whole year?

Did you have a valentine?

How was your valentine’s day?
I wish I could remember.

What did you do for July 4th?
Drove to New York.

Did you achieve your new years resolution?
Not by a long shot. I’m still a private pilot, and I’ve been a terrible person. I have however, gotten closer to my friends.

This or That(2008):

Cheeseburgers or Tacos?

Skinny Jeans or Flare
Boot cut or chinos.

Vans or Flip-Flops?
Funny story about that, actually…. Ask me in a comment and I’ll tell.

Myspace or Cell phone?
I’ve actually dropped most of my MySpacing in favour of Facebook, and I need a new phone so I can keep up with people more reliably.

Dark Night or Twilight?
Haven’t seen either, but I abhor vampires and I love Batman. You figure it out.

Hancock or Iron Man?
Iron Man was a great comic book movie. Hancock was sub-par, but fun.

TV or PS3?
I haven’t played anything on PS3 yet, and I have no cable service, but I’ve enjoyed tv shows online and on dvd.

Winter or Summer?
This year, winter is proving to be better. Overall, I am a much better fan of summer.

Spring or Autumn?
Spring is a time of new beginning, so I generally like it better. This spring sucked, however. Autumn wasn’t much better, though.

Check the following if applies to you:
Kissed over three people

Kissed under three people

Tried something new you regret

Tried something new that you’re proud of
[x] I flew the Schweizer!

Got into a physical fight

Threw up because of being drunk
[X] At the “Pilot Pad” (Bill’s apartment where Travis and Josie live) in Duluth. Silver State shut down, 70 grand gone, Lee and I were taking shots on Jeopardy! questions….

Threw up because of eating to much food

Got in trouble with the police
[X] Kinda. I got harassed by a Sheriff’s deputy for war driving, and I just got a notice of code violation for my vandalised house.

Ate sushi
[x] a LOT

Went trick or treating

Went shopping 3 times a week
[x] Probably.

Did something for your birthday
[X] Probably. I really don’t remember.

Fell in love
[X] Unfortunately.

Got a broken heart
[X] Need I discuss?

Did something to help the community
[X] Working on it, actually, down in Cochran.

Read the entire dictionary

Went to the zoo

Voted for president
[x] Dammit, Bob, your campaign SUCKED!!!!

Distanced from a friend
[X] A few, actually, because of extenuating circumstances.

Lost a friend
[x] Yeah. My best friend outside of “The Guys.”

Random 2008:
Did you go to a funeral this year?

For who?
My lil’ cousin.

Did you feel like you deserved Christmas presents this year from Santa?

Do you even believe in Santa?
Sometimes. At least, I want to.

Did you change at all?
Very much so. Whether or not it’s better or worse remains to be seen.

For the better or worse?
See above. I’m still depressed for the most part, but I have great friends and family who care a lot for me. I’ve also reconnected with a lot of those friends that I lost because of one circumstance or another. I want to be a better person, and I’m doing my best to become the man I want to be.

Do you have resolutions for next year?
No resolutions, just closure from things past.

Where Are You? (Courtesy xkcd)

More xkcd.

A Final Note on Closure (Courtesy xkcd)

This is simply a set of xkcd strips that I’ve collected mostly over the course of this past summer. Randall Munroe had an uncanny ability to capture much of what I was experiencing at that time.

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In the midst of homelessness….

Well, not really homeless per se.  I’m staying at Mom’s waiting to be able to move in to the new place–some minor delays, but all is well.  Almost.  Mike, my iguana, died yesterday from severe dermatitis and parasitic infection.  He was able to hold on for quite a while, and he was beginning to do a lot better with constant care and attention, but he just didn’t have the strength in him to fight anymore.  I was holding him after he soaked in the tub when he pulled himself up my arm to my elbow, tucked his little head up against me as if to cuddle next to me, and stopped breathing.  I couldn’t help but cry off and on most of the day.  It’s my fault, I know, but I guess maybe he forgave me?  I dunno.  Mom offered to get me another iggy, but I can’t replace Mike–he was so well-tempered and loved being around people.  I’m not ready for another iggy–not yet–not for a long time.  If anyone is interested, I’m having a quiet ceremony for him in the backyard at the new house after moving in.  Mike was really special, and I’m going to miss him.

I can’t really think of much else to say about it.  I feel kinda like Forrest Gump when Bubba died.  If there’s more I have to say about it, I’ll amend.

It’s been a long couple weeks….

I’ve been working 2 jobs (one at Lowes, which I was encouraged to leave by the powers-that-be) for the past couple of weeks, so leaving things there would more than adequately elaborate on the subject line.

But that just wouldn’t be good enough.

To start with, Pops is pissed off at me for some stupid crap that is really more his own insecurities than anything I’ve done.  On top of that, my glasses broke over Memorial Day weekend, so I’ve been wearing my old BCG’s from middle school/high school.  Frankly, it’s rather annoying–the prescription is just off enough to drive me mad (not to mention make my eyes hurt).  I got an eye exam and ordered some new frames, but they had to redo the order because they couldn’t make the lenses I wanted in my prescription.  With any luck, this will be the last pair of glasses I buy.  Give me 2 more years or so and I’ll have the lasik procedure completed.

It’s hard to keep up with things when you stay so busy–the house is a veritible pig sty and I have neither the time nor the will to clean it up since we’re going to be moving soon anyway.

On a lighter note, we picked up Donkey Konga (with bongo controller) on clearance for $15!  W007!  I digress, though, as with things getting hectic, for some reason, I have been getting progressively sickly the past couple weeks.  I chalk it up to stress, so maybe I just need to chill for a few days.

I don’t mean to complain or anything, it’s just that I have to vent sometimes, you know?  In the big picture, things aren’t quite so bad, really.  Money is coming in, I’m cutting the last few tethers of parental dependence, living quarters are going to be improving soon.  Things are actually, in general, looking up.  There’s just a couple of issues that keep me bogged down, and that’s where I have to concentrate my efforts to resolve.

I need to watch a good “We Are The Champions” movie where the underdog comes out on top after fighting a good fight.  I saw X-Men III, and it was really good (thanks, Adam), but rather depressing.  Though, I will admit, the ending was well-worth the anticlimax.  Maybe I’ll go watch the season finale of 24 that I taped and still haven’t watched.  Not tonight, though, as it’s too late to start something that long.

You got to believe it’s getting better, getting better all the time….

So now that I have employment, things look like they’re starting to fall back into place.  Lowes keeps jerking me around, so I’m about to say forget them and apply for some jobs at various coffee shoppes to get some supplementary income.  Speaking of supplementary income, if anyone is interested, I need to sell some pint glasses.  Anyway, I’m feeling a lot better, too!  I guess when you are actually doing something productive besides sitting around on your ass waiting for the phone to ring, you tend to become a little more positive!  I’ve actually been waking up in the mornings, and I feel really good!  I just need to add a little exercise to my routine, and things will start to round out to where I can continue my projects [see previous blog entry “The Current State of Things to Come (and Other Rhetoric)”] and my reading–haven’t picked up my book in months!

Oh, well, I suppose that’s all for now.  Until next time, paesanos, do the Mario!

The Sound of Modernity

You hear that?

That is the sound of modernity. That is the sound of a gas-powered leaf blower blowing leaves off of a wooded trail. Not a little asphalt-paved trail through the woods, I mean a gravel wooded trail.

I don’t see the point. I really don’t.

It seems like a massive exercise in futility. It’s like someone was thinking, “Y’know, we wanna preserve the semblance of nature in the middle of the city, but we don’t want it too natural–stepping on leaves and such, someone might scuff their shoes!” Not that walking in gravel won’t, but come on, folks, figure it out.

Not only do I personally not like leaf blowers–they don’t just blow leaves, but clouds of dust and dirt, and they’re as noisy as hell–but you’re blowing leaves from a wooded trail–a trail (which is an unpaved, but established path) through the woods (which is a large group of these things called “trees” that have a tendency to drop their voluminous leaves constantly throughout this time of year).

Someone out there, help me out here. Please, anyone, am I just going nuts? Has the stress from my job gotten me to where I begin to think that rudimentary tasks are asinine? Have I lost all faith in human intelligence? Someone, please, tell me that I have a point!

Atari out.

Ubiquitous Song Lyrics

One of these days, ev’rything that I want is gonna be mine,

But if it ain’t, that’ll be all right as long as there’s sunshine

And a big ol’ brew.

–John Winger (Bill Murray), Stripes

Fear and Loathing In The Call Center

Now, I was walking around the office today and they’ve got these little signs, printed out on pink copy paper, and posted all over the office saying:

“You are an important part of this business. Please show up to work on time.”

They’re just posted in various places around the call center, and I can’t help but thinking:

So maybe I am an important part of this business. This business of getting bitched at by random people who think that I am, of course, the scum of the earth–one of the most hateful and spiteful persons that they’ve ever encountered.

Then again, if they weren’t some of the most hateful and spiteful people that I have ever encountered, maybe I wouldn’t be….

All that aside, feeling like I am a part of this “team”–yeah, that’s a real encouraging metaphor. “Yeah! You’re a part of a team; part of the winning team! You’re gonna go and take one for that winning team!” I take one for that winning team every damn day. Multiple times every damn day. So, it pains me to say (well, it really doesn’t pain me to say) that until I feel like an important part of a team which I can be proud of; that until I feel like an important part of a team which practices business policies and ethics that I am in concert with; that until I am an important part of that kind of team, and I am doing something that I enjoy, these little motivational fliers are not going to motivate me. The only thing, right now, that does motivate me–especially in this slug hole of a job–is a paycheck.

And if it weren’t for that paycheck, I would not be motivated to come to work…at all.

So, frankly, in my opinion, they should consider themselves more than lucky that I do take the time to even show up; especially since, it goes without saying, I could be in other places…doing other things…and, most importantly, enjoying myself.

Atari out.